Thankful for My Month of Depression
So recently I dealt with depression...
Not because life was failing, but because I was FINALLY in the position to get what I had been working years for!
But more so because I felt I was failing...
And I could never seem to stop failing
No matter how hard I tried.
Day after day.
Motherhood came fast for me.
Not with my first child. Because I had gotten married at a fresh 24. Got pregnant at 25.
Had my first baby at a fresh 26.
So I was pretty mentally prepared (as best as I could) for motherhood.
But then I got pregnant when my first baby was 3 months.
Had my baby girl and then I got pregnant with my baby boy when my baby girl was 3 months.
That was hard but did not bring depression because I was on a mission to achieve what I felt would be the most perfect life for my family.
And that plan included financial success but more importantly, me being more present in their lives.
So the goal was to become a wfhm (work from home mom) and while running a business I would be able to pour into my children's lives at the highest capacity.
I started my business, worked by day as a teacher and by night as a t-shirt designer.
I worked hard for a couple of years to build it up so that I was able to stop working as a teacher and pursue it full-time at home while taking care of my beautiful babies.
As I clocked out for the last time before the summer and my "freedom" began I could have literally ran out of the building screaming with relief and joy!
This feeling continued until I realized I just couldn't get everything done during the day.
To be honest I got nothing done. Instead I was running after my children, feeding them and cleaning up after them and more.
At night I was cooking and cleaning again and then FINALLY, when everyone was asleep, could tackle my business work.
But why? Why was I living the exact same life as I was before?
Why was I stressed and feeling like a failure?
I would shake it off day after day until I simply "couldn't" shake it off anymore.
Instead I then began to accept it.
Accept that of course I was too stupid to handle my life...
Too much of a failure at the life that God had given me...
So what I did as I was spiraling down in my black hole was reach for help.
I talked with Stetson (my husband)
I talked with my friends.
They all poured encouragement and understanding over me.
I started hearing messages at church that fit my life PERFECTLY.
I placed scriptures in my heart that lifted me.
Jeremiah 29:11 "...plans not to destroy you but to give you a hope and a future."
Philippians 4:4-9 "Always be full of joy (not happiness)...don't worry about anything, instead pray about everything...fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and lovely..."
Matthew 6:33 "Seek God first and He will give you everything you need"
I prayed more.
I prayed more specifically.
"Dear Lord I give my life to you today. You know what you want me to accomplish and I trust that You will get it done through me. The expectation is not on me anymore. Thank you Lord. Amen"
Slowly, but surely I was restored.
Do I still have days when I feel like I'm spiraling downward?
Do I repeat the steps above?
Yes and it works every time, if I have faith that it will! (Don't forget faith because that is the key of it all)
So this thanksgiving season, I am thankful for my family, my friends, my village and my GOD.
We thrive from relationships...not from complete solitude.
I am also thankful that I experienced that time that I felt so down that I lost value of what I actually do contribute to myself and those around me.
It has made me be more cognizant of the truth instead of focusing on what I feel is true.
So when you are feeling down, my advice is for you to reach out.
Of course to those that you can physically see...but also to the ONE you cannot.
You is kind
You is smart
You is important
And we NEED you.
Until next time,